STOPPED by vertigo, a lesson in SURRENDER

Mandy Agnew vertigo 1It’s nice to think that if you just fix this ONE problem then everything else is going to fall into place and after that, life in general will be rewarding and amazing.  Ahhh, what a nice dream!

Have I told you that I had my first mid-life crisis at 25 years?  (notice the word FIRST)  I’ve had huge points of crisis since then, each taking me deeper into the journey of self-discovery, empowerment and ultimately surrender.

The truth is, it’s a journey and with each step forward we get an opportunity to learn from life.  Over the last 6 months I’ve been exploring the concept of surrender, which is a teaching in most spiritual practices.  This means really letting go of the idea that I am in control of my life, and allowing life, life force, the divine or whatever you call it to take me to where I need to be. Perhaps it’s an experience of my highest service, or that of my deepest challenge, the perfect experience for me to get to know myself more, perhaps releasing what doesn’t serve me and finding peace at a new level.

Now a part of me screams and says ‘No way, you’ve got to be joking, I’m in control, I’m driving this ship, I’m making this all happen.’  Oh my ego/personality, she has a lot to say and she has some amazing patterns of behavior well ingrained.

Pop Header imageI grew up on a farm with my family where there was always something to do.  Dad was and still is a great role model for getting in and getting things done (Photo – my Dad on the header this summer).  He was never one to really relax and do nothing, some sheep or fence or crop always needed attention.  Through witnessing this I have taken on a belief/program that slowing down or not driving the ship is definitely NOT a part of who I am…. and here I am exploring surrender LOL!

So, of course, I get the cosmic kick in the butt!  I get unwell so I can’t NOT slow down.  I can’t NOT stop steering.  I have to surrender.  Have you ever had vertigo?  That sensation of imbalance and nausea …. The only thing I could really do was stop and do nothing, no work, no reading, no writing, no watching TV, no driving ….I didn’t go down quietly, I didn’t listen and learn quickly, it took 3 episodes in as many months to really make me look seriously at my pattern!

Now, I love the body-mind connection and if you have had sessions with me you’ll have heard me speak of this.  It works with the idea that our physical body reflects our mental/emotional state (the opposite is true too).  I was having the sensation of being out of balance because I was totally out of balance … emotionally and physically.  I had fallen into my pattern of the ‘do-er’ and had left the ‘be-er’ in the back of the cupboard.  I had been juggling my responsibilities as a mother, wife, daughter and therapist etc. etc. and had not taken my hands off the wheel because I had a sense of being in control of my ‘doing’.  Funny don’t you think, considering my overall theme of exploration has been surrender?

Surrender doesn’t mean not showing up for life.  It means showing up for life and not being too attached to the outcome.  Our life, in all its fullness is what makes the journey fun and worth living.  So the invitation is to show up to life and surrender to what is to be experienced.  If it’s wonderful, it’s wonderful and you learn from it.  If it’s crap, it’s crap and you learn from it.

So life gave me the opportunity to surrender to vertigo (not really an option to surrender, more like a full stop).  Did I surrender? Yes, no choice.  Did I accept it? Yes.  Did I make the move to fix myself with the help from my supports?  Absolutely! (Thanks Michael, Adeline, Leslie!)  Did I learn from it?  Yes, finally! ….  Surrender doesn’t mean staying a victim, it means accepting the situation and moving forward with the wisdom it brings.  Now I’m working with the affirmation and body-mind reprogramming work of ‘I accept down-time fully’ (fully to me means without guilt).

I have fully recovered from my vertigo now, but retain the learning!

We are all on a journey, we are all experiencing life, learning perhaps from its ups and downs and gathering wisdom along the way.  With this we can return to our core, that deeply loving, peaceful you (and me).

I’m off to put my feet up!  What do you need to surrender to?

Love and Wisdom